More men over forty are struggling to maintain their friendships
Friendships among men in and past their forties receive little attention but affect many people. Keeping friendships in midlife is becoming harder. Dutch media have highlighted the trend, and life-course psychologist Marianne Simons has described what’s happening and why it matters for men as they age.
Why Midlife Social Isolation Is Growing
Men hitting their forties often see friends less often, a trend German journalist Max Scharnigg described in a recent interview with NRC (a Dutch daily newspaper). Scharnigg said his contact with old friends has dropped, while his wife still keeps in regular touch with hers. Marianne Simons, speaking on Villa VdB on NPO Radio 1 (a Dutch radio program), said it’s not usually about unwillingness; more about habits and how life gets restructured.
When you’re young, social life happens in fixed places like schools or sports teams. As Simons puts it, “When you are young, you move within fixed social structures. In that social structure you meet each other. You do not have to make an effort.” As people take on work and family responsibilities, those built-in chances to meet fade, and staying friends requires more planning.
How Men and Women Approach Friendships Differently
One factor is how men and women differ in maintaining friendships. Simons notes that women tend to form one-on-one bonds and go deeper emotionally with friends. “The literature says that women are much more oriented toward one-on-one relationships. They also go more quickly into depth and seek emotional intimacy with other women and friends.” Women are often proactive about staying in touch—using calls and texts to check in.
Men, by contrast, often center friendships around shared activities and group get-togethers instead of one-on-one meetings. Those opportunities become rarer as schedules tighten, so habits fade and spontaneous meetups disappear. This does not mean men do not want to keep friendships; it becomes harder to make them happen.
What Experts Say: And What You Can Do
Simons offers a straightforward solution: reach out and spend time with friends you care about. She suggests, “If you think: what a pity that I have seen him so little, it seems to me a good reason to visit people you really find important a bit more often.” Rekindling friendships helps social life and plays a role in mental health. As she also said, “The sharing of joys and sorrows and the social connectedness that you can find with your friends are so important.”
For men feeling more isolated, taking the initiative to reconnect can change day-to-day life, helping them feel happier and more satisfied.
Dealing With Fewer Friendships After 40
The drop in friendships among men over forty isn’t just a personal issue; it’s a pattern driven by midlife responsibilities. Around age 40, people’s schedules often get crowded and their lives head in different directions. Friendships that used to run on autopilot now need deliberate effort to keep going.
Shows like Villa VdB, hosted by people such as Jurgen van den Berg, and platforms like Omroep MAX (a Dutch broadcaster) remind listeners about the value of staying socially connected. Media conversations can prompt people to take action and stay engaged with friends.
The discussion about friendships in midlife reminds people to tend relationships at every stage of life. Understanding the pressures on friendships around forty can help people strengthen their social circles and overall well-being.