Men over forty are finding it increasingly difficult to maintain friendships
Keeping friendships can get harder as people age, especially for men over 40. The issue came up in a Dutch interview with Max Scharnigg, a German journalist, who shared anecdotal evidence of the trend.
Noticing How Friendships Change
Max Scharnigg has noticed he talks to his friends less often, not because he doesn’t want to, but because habits and busy schedules get in the way. Friendships form more easily when you’re young because school and sports create built-in opportunities to meet people.
Marianne Simons, a life-course psychologist, discussed this on the NPO Radio 1 program Villa VdB (produced by Omroep MAX), NPO Radio 1 is a Dutch national radio channel, which airs Monday to Thursday, from 2:00 PM to 4:00 PM. She said that as people move from youth to adulthood, those automatic social structures fall away. Adulthood requires more deliberate effort to maintain relationships, because work, family, and other obligations take priority.
Simons said that around midlife, 40 years old, calendars tend to fill up even more, making unplanned contact less likely.
How Men and Women Keep Friends
Gender differences in how people maintain friendships may play a role. Research suggests women often focus on one-on-one relationships and prioritize emotional closeness. They keep in touch through regular phone calls and texts, which helps friendships survive even when life is busy. As Simons put it, “The literature says that women are much more focused on one-on-one relationships… They call, message, and keep the lines short. That also makes it easier to keep contact well between those activities.”
Men, on the other hand, often prefer doing things together and meeting in groups rather than having intimate one-on-one catch-ups. That style can make regular contact harder to maintain as group get-togethers become less feasible with age. Simons noted, “Men are more often oriented toward joint activities. They moreover prefer to meet in groups rather than one-on-one.”
What It Means for Mental Health
Friendships do more than fill spare time; they matter for mental health. A lack of regular contact can lead to loneliness and affect emotional well-being. Sharing both the highs and the lows with friends creates a sense of support and connection that helps people stay balanced. As Simons summed up, “Sharing joys and sorrows and the social connectedness that you can find with your friends, that is so important.”
To address this, Simons urges people to be proactive. If you find yourself thinking, “What a pity I’ve seen him so little,” she recommends using that feeling as a prompt to visit the people you really care about a bit more often. That kind of intentional effort can help preserve friendships and support mental well-being.
With work and family obligations often taking center stage, it’s worth remembering how valuable friendships are. For men over 40, putting in a little extra effort to keep connections alive, whether through one-on-one time or group activities, can make social life more satisfying and healthier overall.