A Dinner That Said a Lot About Today’s Social Life
At a small dinner in Singapore with about eight attendees, most in their fifties and sixties, conversation turned to how social life has changed. The gathering resembled many networking events where knowing everyone’s job title wasn’t important or memorable.
One woman stood out: after two decades of attending a large networking conference, she quit. Her reason was simple: “I realized I was spending three days performing friendliness for people I’d never call if I were in trouble.”
Others at the table nodded in quiet agreement. A former colleague who used to host monthly dinners now prefers small get‑togethers with a tight group of friends, choosing honest conversations over social obligation. His family worried he might be retreating or depressed, but he described his social life as “finally honest.”
What Research Says About Pruning Your Circle
That Boat Quay dinner is consistent with work in psychology and anthropology. Laura Carstensen at Stanford University describes this in the Socioemotional Selectivity Theory, which says that as people sense time is limited, they prioritize emotionally meaningful relationships. British anthropologist Robin Dunbar argues that humans can maintain roughly 150 relationships, with a core circle of about five people you deeply trust and a next layer of about fifteen.
Pulling back from a wide social life isn’t usually a sign of antisocial behavior or depression, despite common assumptions, and can be related to emotional vulnerability. Researchers at the University of Chicago, John Cacioppo and Louise Hawkley, distinguish perceived social isolation (feeling alone even when you’re around people) from mere physical solitude; perceived isolation tends to be a stronger predictor of negative health outcomes.
Pruning relationships can also reduce what some call the “performance tax”, the tiredness that comes from constantly acting friendly or keeping performative interactions. The energy saved often goes into nurturing real friendships or enjoying chosen solitude, which can help people feel more authentic and purposeful.
What This Means in Real Life
Choosing who to keep in your social circle has practical effects on well‑being and social expectations, potentially preventing relationship drift. Carstensen’s work shows older adults feel less emotional distress and more positive emotion when they focus on meaningful ties. That challenges the social pressure to measure success by the number of acquaintances rather than the depth of relationships.
The Singapore dinner showed that letting some friendships lapse without regret can reveal what those ties actually were. As one former colleague put it, “If you let a friendship lapse and neither person reaches out for six months, it tells you everything about what that friendship actually was.”
This shift toward trimming social networks invites people to rethink how they spend time and emotional energy. It encourages deliberate choices about relationships and a move toward authenticity and emotional satisfaction.
