Two Kinds of High Self-Esteem
Michael Kernis identifies two forms of high self-esteem: fragile and secure. Fragile high self-esteem shows up as defensiveness and a heavy dependence on outside approval. People with this form often act arrogant, need constant validation, and react angrily to criticism. Their sense of worth fluctuates with praise and achievements, and social interactions can turn into struggles for approval.
By contrast, secure high self-esteem (also called secure self-worth) is steady and less dependent on external outcomes. It rests on being authentic. People with secure self-esteem show low verbal defensiveness and handle tough feedback calmly. Their behavior is guided by values rather than fear, so they can engage with others without always needing reassurance.
Kernis On Authenticity And Self-Esteem
Kernis’s 2003 paper argues that high self-esteem and secure self-esteem are fundamentally different. He ties secure self-esteem directly to authenticity: “the unobstructed operation of one’s true self in daily life.” Kernis breaks authenticity into four parts: awareness of one’s thoughts and feelings; unbiased processing of self-relevant information; actions that reflect genuine values; and openness in relationships. Together, these elements form the backbone of secure self-esteem.
Kernis’s empirical work, along with research by Lakey and Heppner, also shows that people with non-contingent and congruent self-esteem tend to have notably low levels of verbal defensiveness. Verbal defensiveness, rationalizing or distorting threatening information, reveals how fragile someone’s self-worth can be.
Self-Determination Theory: How Secure Self-Worth Grows
Edward Deci and Richard Ryan, who developed Self-Determination Theory (SDT), are also relevant. SDT argues that psychological well-being comes from meeting three basic needs: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. From this view, secure self-worth does not arise from contingent self-esteem but develops when people live in line with their values, interact effectively with their environment, and build genuine relationships.
Deci and Ryan distinguish true self-esteem from contingent self-worth. They describe integrated action as aiming not for self-esteem but for “right action, all things considered.” This aligns with Kernis’s link between secure self-esteem and authenticity.
How Secure Self-Worth Shows Up (And Gets Misread)
People with secure self-worth display a range of behaviors. In relationships, they stop performing or crafting a persona just to get approval and focus on real connection. They treat conflict and criticism as opportunities to learn rather than threats to their value. Secure people make decisions with confidence and state their needs clearly, without over-explaining or appearing desperate.
That steady security can be misread as aloofness or superiority, when in reality it often comes with warmth, openness, and the ability to admit mistakes without fearing a loss of self-worth.
How to Build Secure Self-Worth Over Time
Developing secure self-worth is a slow, experience-based process. It grows over years as people repeatedly act from their values, tolerate discomfort, and learn that external validation isn’t necessary for their survival. It cannot be acquired overnight or through quick fixes; it requires lived experience and honest reflection.
Recognizing these distinctions in self-esteem may lead us to reconsider our self-image and our relationships. These psychological insights suggest that aiming for secure self-worth can lead to greater personal fulfillment and more honest, rewarding connections with others.
